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sonora_conejaPairing: Sean/Holden
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: none
Summary: Relates to Chance Encounter, an A-Team crossover fic , but functions (I hope!) as its own story.
Holden sees the news about Sean’s announcement at the airport and decides he’s been a selfish bastard about their relationship. Yes, another first night back together story!
Holden saw it in the airport.
Down in the arrival lobby, actually, that claustrophobic space underneath the wide and airy departure floor. Down where conveyor belts brought luggage up from all over that world, where women dragged screaming kids around and everything smelled kind of funny from the smoggy LA day let in every time somebody went for a cab. An unpleasant place, a place Holden had never, ever liked, a place where he was stuck until as replacement driver was summoned and dispatched.
After a fourteen hour flight. Damn. What had he been thinking, giving his car to that Army woman?
But Holden liked to think of himself as a generous guy. Or maybe he just wanted to feel that way because that’s how Sean used to view it, you’ve got a giving heart, baby, he’d whisper to him in bed, both of them coming down together, after Holden brought Sean up to the very top, let him take what he needed. Or maybe that was it. Like the captain had said.
It was just nice to feel needed.
He was a selfish bastard, wasn’t he?
Fuck, Holden thought, and flipped out his cell phone. Off international roaming at last, actually able to get a signal. Redmond, his driver, had promised him a car nearly half an hour ago. He sent a text. Got a reply. Stuck in traffic.
How symbolic, he thought to himself with a little inward groan. Like him and Sean. Like him, over Sean. And he had no idea what he wanted to do about that one.
A few weeks back, before this most recent business trip, Holden had hooked up with a guy, John, former military himself, who’d tried to give the younger man some advice about this. You should try to work it out with that Sean of yours. Life’s too short to lose something like that, he’d said, and Holden wanted to take that to heart, he really did.
But there were too many things wrong. Holden disliked being placed in the closet, dragged in there with Sean, locked in when company came over or mother called to ask about her baby boy. He’d never be part of Sean’s life, not really, and his presence, he’d started to think, was cutting his man in half. The part that wanted football. The part that wanted Holden. The two weren’t compatible. Sean couldn’t have both.
And Holden refused to come second to some goddamn sport, professional or otherwise. Sean had never been able to choose, so Holden made the decision for him. Made it while angry, and at the time, it seemed like he’d had every right to be. He was better than the situation, he deserved more than what Sean would be able to give him, and no matter how guilty he felt over walking out on the man he claimed to love, he just knew.
Love wasn’t enough. Not without some way for the two of them to be...
“Oh, no fucking way!”
That single exclamation carried over all the other noise in the crowded hall. Holden wasn’t really sure why he looked up at it. Maybe because it was more than one voice that had spoken. Maybe it was something else.
Maybe he somehow knew...
That there it’d be. An image, talking in muted words. Sean, calm and collected if you didn’t know the man, standing easily at the podium of the little rooftop press conference, sunglasses and that blue shirt Holden loved so much on his lover, the soft one that always smelled of dryer sheets and was just a little bit too tight and too loose in the wrong places. Kind of like Sean...
But underneath, on ESPN’s rolling ticker, the words came back around in type.
Sean Jackson: Gay?
Holden felt staggered. Horrified. Completely and fully aware of the disapproval, the disappointment, of the people paying attention to the screen. It was like a weight, pressing him into the earth.
Oh, Sean, darling, what have you done?
His cell phone buzzed in his pocket, and Holden read it in silence. His car was here, but way far down the terminal pick-up line, and he shouldered his briefcase, snapped the handle back out on his little rolling carry-on and got away from the hateful flatscreens decorating that room as fast as he could.
He really was a selfish bastard when he wanted to be.
+++++
It, strictly speaking, wasn’t necessary to get flowers. Sean was a no-nonsense kind of guy, as straight and utilitarian as his house and his five-AM daily run. But it was Valentine’s Day, and Holden thought maybe it might be appropriate, so he’d made the driver stop at a late-night florist’s.
Small, yellow, simple.
He fumbled in his pocket for his house key, the one he’d kept even after everything that happened, the most solid thing he possessed to remind him of what he’d had here. Holden sucked air as he turned the lock, hoping Sean hadn’t changed the security system passcode.
But the damn thing wasn’t even engaged and for Sean to overlook something like that... concern overflowed his misgivings, and Holden tossed his jacket carefully to the side of the door, shoes soft on the polished floor. There was no reason at all to expect that this was going to go well. Not after the things that were said. Not after the way he’d left.
Sean was curled up in one of those trendy leather chairs he’d let his interior decorator talk him into buying. Not moving or anything. Just staring off at a quiet television, nothing in the room stirring at all. Like the whole world had gone to sleep.
Holden bit his lip as he got closer, closer, close enough to trail the sparse little bouquet down his former lover’s face. Sean jerked a little, confusion registering for a moment, and then he turned. Softened, and his body kind of pushed back into the chair as he tried to smile.
“You saw?” Sean asked softly, looking up at him with those dark eyes, that little expression that was all for Holden. Only ever for Holden.
“Yeah,” the other man whispered, settling down over his heels, letting a hand slide into that short, curly hair. Touching Sean like this again, being near him again... Holden felt some kind of heat, long forgotten and dead until now, start to spread through his blood. Like he hadn’t been warm since leaving. Forgotten what that could even feel like. But he was staring, and he felt awkward, so awkward, and grabbed for something to say. “I...wanted to see how we were doing.”
Sean grabbed for his hand, lightning fast and so smooth. The flowers fell away and there were just fingers, exploring the rise of veins on the back of his palm. He didn’t answer, just held on. this was one of the more maddening things about Sean, Holden remembered, his habit of not talking, of never knowing quite what to say, of being so succinct that it sometimes came across as irritation or shortness. Such a difference between them, Holden thought, and smiled a little. He never seemed to be able to shut up.
But right now, he didn’t know what to say, either.
“Sean, I... I never wanted to make you choose, not like this...”
“I got to thinking about what you said, after you left. That you needed more,” the quarterback said, and turned a little, onto his side now so they were facing one another. “And you were right. I got greedy. Thought I could have it all.”
“I’m the one who’s greedy, Sean,” Holden replied, his thumb getting a little heavier along his old boyfriend’s scalp. He wanted to leave. That warmth was turning into something else, something ugly, and now he just desperately wanted to leave. Even if Sean wouldn’t let him pull away. “It was wrong of me to guilt you to making this kind of decision.”
“You didn’t make me do anything,” and Sean’s voice was starting to lose its sleepy romance, take on some of that intensity he always used in bed. Holden shivered. “I did it. Me. Not you.”
“Yeah, but you’re going to lose your career over this and it was a stupid thing to do and we both know you never would have done it if not for...”
“I love you,” Sean said, a little desperate edge coming in to play now. “I love you. I want to be with you. That’s what matters...”
That feeling, that sensation of whatever it was, crested over and smashed apart in Holden’s chest, a lump forming in his throat. He had to get out of here. That’s what the feeling was. He had to get out of here.
So he stood, tearing out of Sean’s strong grasp, and made for the front door. So close. It was so close, and he was almost there, reaching out for the knob, tears starting to sting up in his eyes, and then those hands were back on his, closing around and prising away.
“Holden...”
“Shit, Sean, I didn’t ask you to do this for me!”
“I know.”
That was enough to get Holden to turn, to see the pain in his old lover’s face, the fear that something good might be lost before it ever had a chance to exist.
“Then... why?”
“I did it for us,” Sean said in that simple way of his, drawing Holden in for a hug. “Commitment, kids, a family... if you wanted, but you and me together. Like we were.”
Holden felt his knees give a little, and he was hanging on to those broad shoulders for dear life. “I ruined it, darling. It’ll never be like it was...”
“Then we’ll make it better,” Sean promised, circling an arm lower to pull their hips together. The quarterback trailed up a hand, slow and uncertain, cool nails around the back of Holden’s neck, prickling the short hairs, sending arousal flooding through the other man’s senses as he gently nudged their foreheads together, noses almost touching. “Please, baby, we’ll be so much better...”
Right then, everything starting to tilt on edge, Holden wasn’t sure what he’d come over for, hadn’t been sure the entire ride over. Just knew that he needed to. And he hadn’t really been thinking about this, that this might be a possible permutation of the visit. He wanted Sean. Of course he did. He’d been burning for Sean ever since the break-up.
But he didn’t want Sean to beg.
“Today, for you, Sean... I just wanted...after something like... this isn’t why I had to come over and see you,” he said softly, looking down and away, trying to collect his thoughts and failing, his brain misfiring under the searing stimulation of being this close again, after so long...
But no matter where he looked, Holden could still feel those chocolate eyes, following him. “Then why’d you come over?”
This would be simple for Sean, wouldn’t it? They’d broken up over the secrecy. Secrecy gone, there was no reason to be apart any more. “It’s not that easy, Sean.”
“What isn’t? You and me?” Sean murmured, turning Holden around a little bit in his arms, hips swaying just a little. “Why isn’t it?”
“Sean...”
And then his lover pulled away and pushed Holden’s chin up, so they were looking right at each other. “This is about your toothbrush, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“I threw your toothbrush away this morning.”
Holden opened his mouth to respond, and then bit his lip, smiling for the first time since hearing the news. “You threw my... wait, you just made a joke.”
“No, I really did throw your toothbrush away today. Tossed it right in the trash.”
Sean was being so serious, that deadpan sense of humor that almost nobody understood. But his smile broke wider, into a small laugh, and then fuller, loud, wonderful and Sean drew Holden back in, breathing deep.
“You okay?” the quarterback asked softly.
“I can’t believe you still had it,” Holden chuckled, and laid his cheek down on that strong shoulder. He could feel his own stubble against Sean’s t-shirt, and rubbed, just a little, remembering how Sean always liked that. “Why’d you keep it?”
“It was the only thing you didn’t take,” came the low response, emotion choked back but by no means absent, and Holden groaned. No more, no more of that. He’d done enough damage already.
He surged, gathering Sean’s face up in his own hands and pressing their mouths together. He felt a split-second’s hesitation, and then everything from the past few months of separation came bursting apart at the seams.
Sean’s hands got heavy, pressing Holding into him, taking his weight even as he took control of the kiss. Lips hot on his own, not begging anymore, seeking out... Holden sighed into it, giving over, nerves already starting to sing out in approval as that feeling, that feeling of Sean, washed over him anew. “Oh, god...” he moaned, shuddering.
“I’ve got you, babe. Right here...”
Holden let himself be led away, Sean letting go and taking him by the hand, pulling them both down the hallway, back towards their bedroom, the one he knew so damn well. Before they even got through the door, Holden furled back up into his lover’s arms, curling in and kissing him desperately.
Sean didn’t break that contact this time, didn’t stop it at all, as Holden hung on around his neck and he slipped his own hands up between their chests and unbuttoning that vest, then his shirt. Holden moaned into his lover’s mouth at the first touch of bare skin, soft callouses sliding his shirt down his arms, unbuckling and unzipping, pushing Holden’s pants and briefs away, brushing his erection just barely. Holden toed his shoes off, his socks. Sean left his hands on Holden’s hips, right on the edge of his belt, moving them both back towards the bed.
Holden fell back onto the mattress, propping himself up with one elbow, stroking himself slowly, feeling himself harden, watching with a slowly growing smile as Sean stripped his own shirt off and moved back over the top of him.
The kiss was back. Deeper, this time, Sean pinning him to the bed, Holden bringing one still-clothed leg up to rub against his lover’s side, hands roaming, hands everywhere. Oh, he remembered this. All their old familiar rhythms, the way his man looked, all the things only he ever got to touch, to feel...
“Holden,” Sean gasped, breathless against the other man’s neck, hard against his own. “Holden, baby, I need you, I need you...”
“I’m here, right here,” Holden replied. He was a little surprised at how badly his voice seemed to be trembling. He thumbed the line of his lover’s jaw, feeling that short beard, loving it. Lifted his hips. Tugged at a belt loop, undid the top button, the second. “All for you, darling. Here for you...”
Sean smiled again as Holden worked his fly open, laid a palm right on his lover’s cloth-covered arousal, stroking lightly. Just for a moment, then Sean moved his hand away and wriggled out of his pants. Slow, with that easy grace the man had from a lifetime on the field, a life that was probably over now... but whatever regrets Holden had could fuck off for the moment, because Sean spread back over him, bringing their cocks together, wrapping them up with one big hand and pumping lightly, lips working against Holden’s neck. It was wonderful, beyond wonderful, but it wasn’t enough. Holden needed more, wanted, wanted so much more...
“Please, Sean, inside, I need to feel you...”
That pulled a little chuckle out of the quarterback, “like this?”
And Holden arched back as a finger slid under his ass and right across his entrance. “God, yes, darling, please...”
He felt the weight shift on the mattress as Sean reached over, fumbling in a drawer, and Holden knew this was the bit where he was supposed to turn over, where he almost always did. He loved it from behind, and side was one of his favorites, but none of that was going to cut it right now.
Sean just smiled, and squeezed a generous amount of lube into him hand, warming it slowly before that finger was back, right where it was supposed to be, just barely pushing in now. “I missed you,” he said, something happy in the way he said it.
“I missed you too,” Holden breathed, meaning it, feeling his body take that finger just a little too easily. He hadn’t been exactly screwing around, but he hadn’t been celibate either, during their little separation, and he wondered if Sean... but there was no sign of anger on his lover’s face. Forgiven, then, or nothing noticed, and a second joined the first, scissoring, twisting, working him slowly open, just missing the prostate, and Holden thought he was going to explode with need. “Missed you so much.”
A pillow slid under his hips, lifting him up into the perfect angle, and Sean kissed him again, hand gone, slicking himself, lining up. He grabbed the back of the other man’s knee with a heavy hand, bringing it flush against his hip, cradling him. “I love you, baby.”
“L-love you t...” and then Holden cried out, feeling the blunt penetration of Sean’s cock, popping through that ring of muscle, sinking down into him.
They both loved it like this, fitting together, Sean taking him slow and easy, drawing the initial burn out so long that it didn’t feel like anything but wonderful, shallow little breaths of his body, stretching around, welcoming in... and Sean’s hips came to rest against the backs of Holden’s thighs. He could feel himself shaking.
“You okay?” Sean murmured, so sweet, giving Holden a moment to adjust.
“...fuck, Sean...” He’d almost forgotten how good this felt. “Please...”
“Always, babe,” and then he pulled out a little, pushed back in. “Like that?”
Holden groaned. Sean did it again.
It was just like it always had been, easing his fears that he’d destroyed this all beyond repair. Like it always had been, Sean so gentle and forceful at the same time, every roll of hips, the change in angle, looking for that little nub, finding it. Moans coming together, mouths almost touching, half-finished kisses giving way as the heat built. The slide of flesh, the way sweat beaded up between them, his cock trapped between them, all of it so familiar. Beautiful. Smooth and easy.
But Holden could already feel it, the way his toes started curling up, too close and it hadn’t been long enough. It never would be, there could never be enough time between them, and the only relief was that he could tell that Sean was racing up that curve with him. Holden could feel himself shaking apart, held together by Sean, Sean the only thing in the whole damn world that made any sense right then, and he buried his face against his lover’s neck, whimpering as the rhythm broke apart, as Sean’s thrusts became more erractic, rougher, shallower, and then there it was, he was there, that noise he always made, that wonderful sound, the flood of warmth into him...
Holden clenched down around his lover’s cock, as hard as he could, helping milk his orgasm from him and only from that distance did he notice that he was coming himself, hot spurts coating both their bellies, vision whiting as they went over that edge together.
Sean grunted a little, and started collapsing. Holden pulled him down, turning them both on their sides, keeping his leg wrapped around, keeping him deep inside. His lover was muttering something, hot little words against overheated skin, over and over, and Holden pushed his nose into short, damp hair, looking for meaning in it.
But he couldn’t catch anything but his own name, little half-finished endearments, his lover already slipping away into sleep. So he snuggled in instead, breathing deep, and letting himself be drawn away into the night.
For the first time since the break-up, he didn’t dream.
Holden woke in the morning, one of those hard and fast ejections from slumber, instantly up with open eyes. It was bright, warm California light filling the bedroom, falling on the empty space on the sheets where Sean should have been. He could hear talking down the hall, though.
He froze. Normally, in this situation, he’d stay quiet, maybe go into the bathroom and just wait until that damn neighbor woman left or Sean got off the phone and came to tell him it was safe, he’d reassured his mother he was a perfectly normal hetereosexual male. It was one of the things he’d hated about their relationship, the mornings after where he couldn’t join his lover in the kitchen or out by the pool. Where he had to wait until he could sneak out. Where he had to hide.
But half the country had probably seen the news by this point, hadn’t they? And the rest would know by the end of the week. It wasn’t like it was a secret anymore. He didn’t have to put up with Sean being ashamed or afraid anymore.
Holden grinned to himself, and fished a pair of Sean’s sweats out of a drawer. Why not? A little too big for him. He’d have to bring his own clothes back over...
“...and Sean, baby, you are asking me to go back to the GM and challenge a culture that you clearly understand isn’t...”
He went straight for the fridge, barely glancing over at the big black woman lounging against the counter with an ease that completely belied the rather overbearing conversation she was having with Sean, bare back towards the hall. Beautiful, he thought. She stopped mid-sentence, gaping.
“Sean, you bought the stuff with the pulp?” he asked, pulling the carton of orange juice out. “You know how much I hate the pulp.”
The quarterback turned around, a moment of panic flashing across his face as he regarded Holden, pouring himself a huge glass of juice. They stared at each other for a second, and Holden dropped his eyes, wondering if he’d really just fucked something up here, being selfish again, doing what he wanted, not what was good for...
“You haven’t been around, baby. And I like the pulp,” Sean replied in that slow, sweet way of his. It was still a little uncertain. But only a little.
“Well, I guess I can just change Consuela’s shopping list like I usually do, darling. It’s a stupid fight to have,” he said serenely, and drained the glass, smiling at the woman. “Who’s your friend?”
“Paula, Sean’s agent here,” the woman said almost instantly, getting up to shake Holden’s hand. “And you’re...”
“Adorable?” he teased, noting her grip with a little wince.
“Holden,” Sean finished, rolling his eyes.
“No, I think adorable fits him just fine, Sean honey,” Paula said with a laugh and, in a little conspiratorial voice. “And for the record, I knew he was gay, and I never seen him this happy before.”
Holden glanced over at Sean, desperately wanting to know if this was okay, if it was okay that he’d broken their usual unspoken agreement, and he felt a surge of relief as a hand came to rest against the small of his back, and those chocolate-brown eyes were smiling into his own. “How could I not be, Paula?” he asked gently, playing a little with the elastic of the sweats, out of his agent’s view. “He’s the most giving person I know.”
Holden knew he was grinning like an idiot at that simple gesture of acceptance. It was too much to expect everything to be rewritten over night, just like that, but this had to be a good sign. He pushed it a little. “Only because you’re so good to me, darling,” he replied lightly.
Sean blushed, and Holden felt bad again.
It wasn’t really the time or place for anything like this and Holden pushed away, far too soon. He poured himself another glass of orange goodness to cover up his own sudden nervousness. “It was very nice meeting you, ma’am, but I’ll leave you two to your meeting. I need to go take a shower.”
Behind him, he could hear Sean’s pained, amused little groan, Paula’s outrageous laughter. But before he could get out of the kitchen and into the hall, and well within sight of the agent, Sean caught him low around the waist and kissed light, light and playful and so, so full of meaning...
"Gotta stop you wearing my clothes," Sean growled into his neck, and Holden laughed.
"Should I bring my own back?"
"Mmm, do it today," Sean told him, stroking up and away, and kissed him one more time before turning his attention back to Paula. "Now, Paula, what were you saying about the GM?"
Holden smiled to himself, all the way back to the bedroom, feeling warm again as he started the shower and stepped into the spray. Like he actually belonged in Sean’s life. Like they could actually make this work. Like he hadn’t stole anything from him. Like he hadn't ruined them.
Like things might actually be better now, not worse.
And that? That was a wonderful thought.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: none
Summary: Relates to Chance Encounter, an A-Team crossover fic , but functions (I hope!) as its own story.
Holden sees the news about Sean’s announcement at the airport and decides he’s been a selfish bastard about their relationship. Yes, another first night back together story!
Holden saw it in the airport.
Down in the arrival lobby, actually, that claustrophobic space underneath the wide and airy departure floor. Down where conveyor belts brought luggage up from all over that world, where women dragged screaming kids around and everything smelled kind of funny from the smoggy LA day let in every time somebody went for a cab. An unpleasant place, a place Holden had never, ever liked, a place where he was stuck until as replacement driver was summoned and dispatched.
After a fourteen hour flight. Damn. What had he been thinking, giving his car to that Army woman?
But Holden liked to think of himself as a generous guy. Or maybe he just wanted to feel that way because that’s how Sean used to view it, you’ve got a giving heart, baby, he’d whisper to him in bed, both of them coming down together, after Holden brought Sean up to the very top, let him take what he needed. Or maybe that was it. Like the captain had said.
It was just nice to feel needed.
He was a selfish bastard, wasn’t he?
Fuck, Holden thought, and flipped out his cell phone. Off international roaming at last, actually able to get a signal. Redmond, his driver, had promised him a car nearly half an hour ago. He sent a text. Got a reply. Stuck in traffic.
How symbolic, he thought to himself with a little inward groan. Like him and Sean. Like him, over Sean. And he had no idea what he wanted to do about that one.
A few weeks back, before this most recent business trip, Holden had hooked up with a guy, John, former military himself, who’d tried to give the younger man some advice about this. You should try to work it out with that Sean of yours. Life’s too short to lose something like that, he’d said, and Holden wanted to take that to heart, he really did.
But there were too many things wrong. Holden disliked being placed in the closet, dragged in there with Sean, locked in when company came over or mother called to ask about her baby boy. He’d never be part of Sean’s life, not really, and his presence, he’d started to think, was cutting his man in half. The part that wanted football. The part that wanted Holden. The two weren’t compatible. Sean couldn’t have both.
And Holden refused to come second to some goddamn sport, professional or otherwise. Sean had never been able to choose, so Holden made the decision for him. Made it while angry, and at the time, it seemed like he’d had every right to be. He was better than the situation, he deserved more than what Sean would be able to give him, and no matter how guilty he felt over walking out on the man he claimed to love, he just knew.
Love wasn’t enough. Not without some way for the two of them to be...
“Oh, no fucking way!”
That single exclamation carried over all the other noise in the crowded hall. Holden wasn’t really sure why he looked up at it. Maybe because it was more than one voice that had spoken. Maybe it was something else.
Maybe he somehow knew...
That there it’d be. An image, talking in muted words. Sean, calm and collected if you didn’t know the man, standing easily at the podium of the little rooftop press conference, sunglasses and that blue shirt Holden loved so much on his lover, the soft one that always smelled of dryer sheets and was just a little bit too tight and too loose in the wrong places. Kind of like Sean...
But underneath, on ESPN’s rolling ticker, the words came back around in type.
Sean Jackson: Gay?
Holden felt staggered. Horrified. Completely and fully aware of the disapproval, the disappointment, of the people paying attention to the screen. It was like a weight, pressing him into the earth.
Oh, Sean, darling, what have you done?
His cell phone buzzed in his pocket, and Holden read it in silence. His car was here, but way far down the terminal pick-up line, and he shouldered his briefcase, snapped the handle back out on his little rolling carry-on and got away from the hateful flatscreens decorating that room as fast as he could.
He really was a selfish bastard when he wanted to be.
+++++
It, strictly speaking, wasn’t necessary to get flowers. Sean was a no-nonsense kind of guy, as straight and utilitarian as his house and his five-AM daily run. But it was Valentine’s Day, and Holden thought maybe it might be appropriate, so he’d made the driver stop at a late-night florist’s.
Small, yellow, simple.
He fumbled in his pocket for his house key, the one he’d kept even after everything that happened, the most solid thing he possessed to remind him of what he’d had here. Holden sucked air as he turned the lock, hoping Sean hadn’t changed the security system passcode.
But the damn thing wasn’t even engaged and for Sean to overlook something like that... concern overflowed his misgivings, and Holden tossed his jacket carefully to the side of the door, shoes soft on the polished floor. There was no reason at all to expect that this was going to go well. Not after the things that were said. Not after the way he’d left.
Sean was curled up in one of those trendy leather chairs he’d let his interior decorator talk him into buying. Not moving or anything. Just staring off at a quiet television, nothing in the room stirring at all. Like the whole world had gone to sleep.
Holden bit his lip as he got closer, closer, close enough to trail the sparse little bouquet down his former lover’s face. Sean jerked a little, confusion registering for a moment, and then he turned. Softened, and his body kind of pushed back into the chair as he tried to smile.
“You saw?” Sean asked softly, looking up at him with those dark eyes, that little expression that was all for Holden. Only ever for Holden.
“Yeah,” the other man whispered, settling down over his heels, letting a hand slide into that short, curly hair. Touching Sean like this again, being near him again... Holden felt some kind of heat, long forgotten and dead until now, start to spread through his blood. Like he hadn’t been warm since leaving. Forgotten what that could even feel like. But he was staring, and he felt awkward, so awkward, and grabbed for something to say. “I...wanted to see how we were doing.”
Sean grabbed for his hand, lightning fast and so smooth. The flowers fell away and there were just fingers, exploring the rise of veins on the back of his palm. He didn’t answer, just held on. this was one of the more maddening things about Sean, Holden remembered, his habit of not talking, of never knowing quite what to say, of being so succinct that it sometimes came across as irritation or shortness. Such a difference between them, Holden thought, and smiled a little. He never seemed to be able to shut up.
But right now, he didn’t know what to say, either.
“Sean, I... I never wanted to make you choose, not like this...”
“I got to thinking about what you said, after you left. That you needed more,” the quarterback said, and turned a little, onto his side now so they were facing one another. “And you were right. I got greedy. Thought I could have it all.”
“I’m the one who’s greedy, Sean,” Holden replied, his thumb getting a little heavier along his old boyfriend’s scalp. He wanted to leave. That warmth was turning into something else, something ugly, and now he just desperately wanted to leave. Even if Sean wouldn’t let him pull away. “It was wrong of me to guilt you to making this kind of decision.”
“You didn’t make me do anything,” and Sean’s voice was starting to lose its sleepy romance, take on some of that intensity he always used in bed. Holden shivered. “I did it. Me. Not you.”
“Yeah, but you’re going to lose your career over this and it was a stupid thing to do and we both know you never would have done it if not for...”
“I love you,” Sean said, a little desperate edge coming in to play now. “I love you. I want to be with you. That’s what matters...”
That feeling, that sensation of whatever it was, crested over and smashed apart in Holden’s chest, a lump forming in his throat. He had to get out of here. That’s what the feeling was. He had to get out of here.
So he stood, tearing out of Sean’s strong grasp, and made for the front door. So close. It was so close, and he was almost there, reaching out for the knob, tears starting to sting up in his eyes, and then those hands were back on his, closing around and prising away.
“Holden...”
“Shit, Sean, I didn’t ask you to do this for me!”
“I know.”
That was enough to get Holden to turn, to see the pain in his old lover’s face, the fear that something good might be lost before it ever had a chance to exist.
“Then... why?”
“I did it for us,” Sean said in that simple way of his, drawing Holden in for a hug. “Commitment, kids, a family... if you wanted, but you and me together. Like we were.”
Holden felt his knees give a little, and he was hanging on to those broad shoulders for dear life. “I ruined it, darling. It’ll never be like it was...”
“Then we’ll make it better,” Sean promised, circling an arm lower to pull their hips together. The quarterback trailed up a hand, slow and uncertain, cool nails around the back of Holden’s neck, prickling the short hairs, sending arousal flooding through the other man’s senses as he gently nudged their foreheads together, noses almost touching. “Please, baby, we’ll be so much better...”
Right then, everything starting to tilt on edge, Holden wasn’t sure what he’d come over for, hadn’t been sure the entire ride over. Just knew that he needed to. And he hadn’t really been thinking about this, that this might be a possible permutation of the visit. He wanted Sean. Of course he did. He’d been burning for Sean ever since the break-up.
But he didn’t want Sean to beg.
“Today, for you, Sean... I just wanted...after something like... this isn’t why I had to come over and see you,” he said softly, looking down and away, trying to collect his thoughts and failing, his brain misfiring under the searing stimulation of being this close again, after so long...
But no matter where he looked, Holden could still feel those chocolate eyes, following him. “Then why’d you come over?”
This would be simple for Sean, wouldn’t it? They’d broken up over the secrecy. Secrecy gone, there was no reason to be apart any more. “It’s not that easy, Sean.”
“What isn’t? You and me?” Sean murmured, turning Holden around a little bit in his arms, hips swaying just a little. “Why isn’t it?”
“Sean...”
And then his lover pulled away and pushed Holden’s chin up, so they were looking right at each other. “This is about your toothbrush, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“I threw your toothbrush away this morning.”
Holden opened his mouth to respond, and then bit his lip, smiling for the first time since hearing the news. “You threw my... wait, you just made a joke.”
“No, I really did throw your toothbrush away today. Tossed it right in the trash.”
Sean was being so serious, that deadpan sense of humor that almost nobody understood. But his smile broke wider, into a small laugh, and then fuller, loud, wonderful and Sean drew Holden back in, breathing deep.
“You okay?” the quarterback asked softly.
“I can’t believe you still had it,” Holden chuckled, and laid his cheek down on that strong shoulder. He could feel his own stubble against Sean’s t-shirt, and rubbed, just a little, remembering how Sean always liked that. “Why’d you keep it?”
“It was the only thing you didn’t take,” came the low response, emotion choked back but by no means absent, and Holden groaned. No more, no more of that. He’d done enough damage already.
He surged, gathering Sean’s face up in his own hands and pressing their mouths together. He felt a split-second’s hesitation, and then everything from the past few months of separation came bursting apart at the seams.
Sean’s hands got heavy, pressing Holding into him, taking his weight even as he took control of the kiss. Lips hot on his own, not begging anymore, seeking out... Holden sighed into it, giving over, nerves already starting to sing out in approval as that feeling, that feeling of Sean, washed over him anew. “Oh, god...” he moaned, shuddering.
“I’ve got you, babe. Right here...”
Holden let himself be led away, Sean letting go and taking him by the hand, pulling them both down the hallway, back towards their bedroom, the one he knew so damn well. Before they even got through the door, Holden furled back up into his lover’s arms, curling in and kissing him desperately.
Sean didn’t break that contact this time, didn’t stop it at all, as Holden hung on around his neck and he slipped his own hands up between their chests and unbuttoning that vest, then his shirt. Holden moaned into his lover’s mouth at the first touch of bare skin, soft callouses sliding his shirt down his arms, unbuckling and unzipping, pushing Holden’s pants and briefs away, brushing his erection just barely. Holden toed his shoes off, his socks. Sean left his hands on Holden’s hips, right on the edge of his belt, moving them both back towards the bed.
Holden fell back onto the mattress, propping himself up with one elbow, stroking himself slowly, feeling himself harden, watching with a slowly growing smile as Sean stripped his own shirt off and moved back over the top of him.
The kiss was back. Deeper, this time, Sean pinning him to the bed, Holden bringing one still-clothed leg up to rub against his lover’s side, hands roaming, hands everywhere. Oh, he remembered this. All their old familiar rhythms, the way his man looked, all the things only he ever got to touch, to feel...
“Holden,” Sean gasped, breathless against the other man’s neck, hard against his own. “Holden, baby, I need you, I need you...”
“I’m here, right here,” Holden replied. He was a little surprised at how badly his voice seemed to be trembling. He thumbed the line of his lover’s jaw, feeling that short beard, loving it. Lifted his hips. Tugged at a belt loop, undid the top button, the second. “All for you, darling. Here for you...”
Sean smiled again as Holden worked his fly open, laid a palm right on his lover’s cloth-covered arousal, stroking lightly. Just for a moment, then Sean moved his hand away and wriggled out of his pants. Slow, with that easy grace the man had from a lifetime on the field, a life that was probably over now... but whatever regrets Holden had could fuck off for the moment, because Sean spread back over him, bringing their cocks together, wrapping them up with one big hand and pumping lightly, lips working against Holden’s neck. It was wonderful, beyond wonderful, but it wasn’t enough. Holden needed more, wanted, wanted so much more...
“Please, Sean, inside, I need to feel you...”
That pulled a little chuckle out of the quarterback, “like this?”
And Holden arched back as a finger slid under his ass and right across his entrance. “God, yes, darling, please...”
He felt the weight shift on the mattress as Sean reached over, fumbling in a drawer, and Holden knew this was the bit where he was supposed to turn over, where he almost always did. He loved it from behind, and side was one of his favorites, but none of that was going to cut it right now.
Sean just smiled, and squeezed a generous amount of lube into him hand, warming it slowly before that finger was back, right where it was supposed to be, just barely pushing in now. “I missed you,” he said, something happy in the way he said it.
“I missed you too,” Holden breathed, meaning it, feeling his body take that finger just a little too easily. He hadn’t been exactly screwing around, but he hadn’t been celibate either, during their little separation, and he wondered if Sean... but there was no sign of anger on his lover’s face. Forgiven, then, or nothing noticed, and a second joined the first, scissoring, twisting, working him slowly open, just missing the prostate, and Holden thought he was going to explode with need. “Missed you so much.”
A pillow slid under his hips, lifting him up into the perfect angle, and Sean kissed him again, hand gone, slicking himself, lining up. He grabbed the back of the other man’s knee with a heavy hand, bringing it flush against his hip, cradling him. “I love you, baby.”
“L-love you t...” and then Holden cried out, feeling the blunt penetration of Sean’s cock, popping through that ring of muscle, sinking down into him.
They both loved it like this, fitting together, Sean taking him slow and easy, drawing the initial burn out so long that it didn’t feel like anything but wonderful, shallow little breaths of his body, stretching around, welcoming in... and Sean’s hips came to rest against the backs of Holden’s thighs. He could feel himself shaking.
“You okay?” Sean murmured, so sweet, giving Holden a moment to adjust.
“...fuck, Sean...” He’d almost forgotten how good this felt. “Please...”
“Always, babe,” and then he pulled out a little, pushed back in. “Like that?”
Holden groaned. Sean did it again.
It was just like it always had been, easing his fears that he’d destroyed this all beyond repair. Like it always had been, Sean so gentle and forceful at the same time, every roll of hips, the change in angle, looking for that little nub, finding it. Moans coming together, mouths almost touching, half-finished kisses giving way as the heat built. The slide of flesh, the way sweat beaded up between them, his cock trapped between them, all of it so familiar. Beautiful. Smooth and easy.
But Holden could already feel it, the way his toes started curling up, too close and it hadn’t been long enough. It never would be, there could never be enough time between them, and the only relief was that he could tell that Sean was racing up that curve with him. Holden could feel himself shaking apart, held together by Sean, Sean the only thing in the whole damn world that made any sense right then, and he buried his face against his lover’s neck, whimpering as the rhythm broke apart, as Sean’s thrusts became more erractic, rougher, shallower, and then there it was, he was there, that noise he always made, that wonderful sound, the flood of warmth into him...
Holden clenched down around his lover’s cock, as hard as he could, helping milk his orgasm from him and only from that distance did he notice that he was coming himself, hot spurts coating both their bellies, vision whiting as they went over that edge together.
Sean grunted a little, and started collapsing. Holden pulled him down, turning them both on their sides, keeping his leg wrapped around, keeping him deep inside. His lover was muttering something, hot little words against overheated skin, over and over, and Holden pushed his nose into short, damp hair, looking for meaning in it.
But he couldn’t catch anything but his own name, little half-finished endearments, his lover already slipping away into sleep. So he snuggled in instead, breathing deep, and letting himself be drawn away into the night.
For the first time since the break-up, he didn’t dream.
Holden woke in the morning, one of those hard and fast ejections from slumber, instantly up with open eyes. It was bright, warm California light filling the bedroom, falling on the empty space on the sheets where Sean should have been. He could hear talking down the hall, though.
He froze. Normally, in this situation, he’d stay quiet, maybe go into the bathroom and just wait until that damn neighbor woman left or Sean got off the phone and came to tell him it was safe, he’d reassured his mother he was a perfectly normal hetereosexual male. It was one of the things he’d hated about their relationship, the mornings after where he couldn’t join his lover in the kitchen or out by the pool. Where he had to wait until he could sneak out. Where he had to hide.
But half the country had probably seen the news by this point, hadn’t they? And the rest would know by the end of the week. It wasn’t like it was a secret anymore. He didn’t have to put up with Sean being ashamed or afraid anymore.
Holden grinned to himself, and fished a pair of Sean’s sweats out of a drawer. Why not? A little too big for him. He’d have to bring his own clothes back over...
“...and Sean, baby, you are asking me to go back to the GM and challenge a culture that you clearly understand isn’t...”
He went straight for the fridge, barely glancing over at the big black woman lounging against the counter with an ease that completely belied the rather overbearing conversation she was having with Sean, bare back towards the hall. Beautiful, he thought. She stopped mid-sentence, gaping.
“Sean, you bought the stuff with the pulp?” he asked, pulling the carton of orange juice out. “You know how much I hate the pulp.”
The quarterback turned around, a moment of panic flashing across his face as he regarded Holden, pouring himself a huge glass of juice. They stared at each other for a second, and Holden dropped his eyes, wondering if he’d really just fucked something up here, being selfish again, doing what he wanted, not what was good for...
“You haven’t been around, baby. And I like the pulp,” Sean replied in that slow, sweet way of his. It was still a little uncertain. But only a little.
“Well, I guess I can just change Consuela’s shopping list like I usually do, darling. It’s a stupid fight to have,” he said serenely, and drained the glass, smiling at the woman. “Who’s your friend?”
“Paula, Sean’s agent here,” the woman said almost instantly, getting up to shake Holden’s hand. “And you’re...”
“Adorable?” he teased, noting her grip with a little wince.
“Holden,” Sean finished, rolling his eyes.
“No, I think adorable fits him just fine, Sean honey,” Paula said with a laugh and, in a little conspiratorial voice. “And for the record, I knew he was gay, and I never seen him this happy before.”
Holden glanced over at Sean, desperately wanting to know if this was okay, if it was okay that he’d broken their usual unspoken agreement, and he felt a surge of relief as a hand came to rest against the small of his back, and those chocolate-brown eyes were smiling into his own. “How could I not be, Paula?” he asked gently, playing a little with the elastic of the sweats, out of his agent’s view. “He’s the most giving person I know.”
Holden knew he was grinning like an idiot at that simple gesture of acceptance. It was too much to expect everything to be rewritten over night, just like that, but this had to be a good sign. He pushed it a little. “Only because you’re so good to me, darling,” he replied lightly.
Sean blushed, and Holden felt bad again.
It wasn’t really the time or place for anything like this and Holden pushed away, far too soon. He poured himself another glass of orange goodness to cover up his own sudden nervousness. “It was very nice meeting you, ma’am, but I’ll leave you two to your meeting. I need to go take a shower.”
Behind him, he could hear Sean’s pained, amused little groan, Paula’s outrageous laughter. But before he could get out of the kitchen and into the hall, and well within sight of the agent, Sean caught him low around the waist and kissed light, light and playful and so, so full of meaning...
"Gotta stop you wearing my clothes," Sean growled into his neck, and Holden laughed.
"Should I bring my own back?"
"Mmm, do it today," Sean told him, stroking up and away, and kissed him one more time before turning his attention back to Paula. "Now, Paula, what were you saying about the GM?"
Holden smiled to himself, all the way back to the bedroom, feeling warm again as he started the shower and stepped into the spray. Like he actually belonged in Sean’s life. Like they could actually make this work. Like he hadn’t stole anything from him. Like he hadn't ruined them.
Like things might actually be better now, not worse.
And that? That was a wonderful thought.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-02-12 10:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-12 11:13 pm (UTC)I wasn't too sure myself what to do with them, I mean, they don't get much screen time so everything's kind of broad-brush on their characters. And I didn't see Holden and Sean being all "everything's hunky-dorey now, let's fuck!" or anything... just glad it worked!
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Date: 2011-02-13 04:32 pm (UTC)Hopefully we'll start to see some moving forward stories at this comm.
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Date: 2011-02-13 08:28 pm (UTC)And this was just so sweet. That was the best ending I could ever imagine. <3 If you ever write them again, I will be insanely happy.
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Date: 2011-02-13 09:59 pm (UTC)I was thinking of maybe doing a fall-out from the announcement kind of thing...later, but def thinking about it.
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Date: 2011-02-14 07:42 pm (UTC)Holden is just...so double kind and nice and somehow sad as well. But I NEVER expected that they'd put THOSE TWO GORGEOUS MEN together in the end. I saw Holden end up with Julia lol
Only thing, I think he doesn't wear shoes when he comes and wakes his lover so gently ;) Oh and I expected them to kiss...well, they probably couldn't go THAT far in a romantic comedy or could they? I think Eric and Brad did a very good job in expressing true love in such a short scene and four words only... SIGH!!!!
So, um...will this continue? I'd really love to have a twin brother for my dear Face...
Oh and you did realize who could also have a twin from the A-Team-movie...did you watch Sean's agent closely? hehe
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Date: 2011-02-15 02:04 am (UTC)And I WISH they could have kissed! But yeah, mainstream American movie... they aren't going to let the boys be gay. It's still like a HUGE deal over here. Sucks...
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Date: 2011-02-15 02:24 pm (UTC)I think it was a major success already that Holden actually was allowed to carress Sean's head so gently...hhmmmm and the way THEY LOOK at each other!!! *is repeating herself and daydreaming*
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Date: 2011-02-15 02:48 pm (UTC)The movie did do a pretty good of explaining how much these two love each other, it's true. Sean wanting kids, Holden being all wistful on the plane, their little moment together. It's great. But an actual kiss would have been... I don't even know, awesome? But I do that with a lot of movies with male characters, watch and say "kiss, kiss!" in my head...
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Date: 2011-02-15 08:37 pm (UTC)I almost saw Holden bend down and kiss his lover, or that they meet halfway. But Sean looks really cute and lost and so sleepy :D I only did pay attention to all their little scenes now after reading your stories. When I watched the movie for the first time I hadn't grasped the whole depth of their story. Oh and btw, I didn't notice before but Sean does have a pretty tatoo as well...that's probably why Holden looked at Hannibal's so closely ;)
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Date: 2011-02-15 12:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-15 01:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 10:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-30 08:59 pm (UTC)I've just watched the movie again and I can really imagine it as a following part!
Thanks so much! I was sear hing for a fic like that and i've been searching for some time!
Thank you so much! <3*Sending you hearts, big smiles and huge cookies house made just for you*<3
(as for the rewatching of the movie, I skipped through the whole movie to go directly to Sean's and Holden's part! ;) )
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Date: 2011-06-30 09:28 pm (UTC)And hee, I usually skip the rest of the movie and hit their parts. They're just too sweet together. Too bad the movie didn't let them kiss...
*hugs you back*
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Date: 2011-07-01 11:32 am (UTC)And about the kiss, I'm so mad at the people who didn't want them to kiss! Everyone in the movie get a kiss and not them! Just a sweet kiss, even a light kiss on Sean lips to seal the fact he's back! Grrrr!!......
Anyway, thanks to you, I got the kiss! <3